Diary

 04/21/2025

Envelop me in your arms and at that instant take all the sadness buried deep inside me and let it out. Let it out in the air we breathe and watch as the sky turns a deep blue. But hold your breath! Don't inhale it into your lungs! For it is poisonous...a posion that will invoke a thousand tears after the thousand you just cried.

04/22/2025

you hold onto the page, you don't want it to flip just yet. the wind is strong but you are stronger. your fingers bleed from the papercuts but you don't notice them. you continue reading the same page over and over, your grip becoming stronger with each new word. a hit from the wind too strong and the paper rips. a tear streams down your face. your eyes hold madness deep inside them and they can't see the thousand pages that lay ahead the ripped one. you scream into the void as you try to fix the page. but oh when will you understand the smallness of that page in comparison to all the others. when will you learn to let go of a heavy past for a brighter horizon. 

04/23/2025

Late at night I look at the moon to feel close to you, to imagine its light illuminating your sleeping face. Yet it makes me feel even further. Because I know that, as the rays of the moon fall into your closed peaceful eyes, you are dreaming of her. And I can't sleep, so I lose myself in these thoughts as the distance between us becomes greater. I think to myself 'A distance oceans away that I would walk with wounded legs if I heard your voice calling.' Still in the back of my mind I can only imagine you calling her name as I yearn to hear mine. I feel sleep calling me and today my wish is the same as always. I wish to have you by my side.

04/27/2025

When I was little I attended ballet classes. I loved ballet. When I was walking on the road, I used to look up at the sky constantly and many a times I would trip and fall. My father used to joke and say "You should take a course on walking before going to ballet classes." As I grow up the feeling that I'm not a good walker has been coming back. I tried looking down but my eyes are made for a view far beyond that reminds me how small I am and gives me the space to breathe. Ever since I met you at 15 you held my hand, you didn't let me fall when I tripped, you caught me and I remained watching the sky. But then you left and I fell into a deep hole. I needed someone to hold my hand. So, in search of your warm soft hands, I let other people touch me. But none felt like you then and none feel like you now. Yet I can't let go of their hands because I haven't finished the road out of this dark deep hole yet. And with longing for a different reality I've accepted that even in different paths of life I will always need to hold someone's hand - no matter how wretched it is.

04/29/2025

For a split second, our eyes meet. I bow my head down and sip a little more of my water. At the first chance I have, I come upstairs. Like never before, two tears fall from my eyes at the same instant. The image I saw in your eyes made me sob uncontrollably. You were tired, oh so very tired. And you looked older, as if spending time with us, having us in your presence, aged you. And I'm sorry, because I know that you were raised in a burning house and to warm your hands when you were cold from the shivers your past sent up your spine you created a burning house for yourself again. One that, this time, you can't escape. 

05/06/2025

My body is drenched in gasoline and these walls are on fire. I will always burn your skin if I stay here. But from far away I won't be able to heal all your bruises. So I linger here, in hopes a rain hard enough washes me clean. And then, when I no longer stink of my past, I will touch your arms with warm soft hands, I will hug you and leave only white traces, I will be able to illuminate the way forward for you.